Today was The Knock - I feel lost and confused
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Hi all,
I'm new here and seem to be part of club I never knew existed. I'm still reeling from today's events and trying to work out what happens now.
Today my OH was arrested and released with bail conditions. Devices seized. From what I understand, police have since found, and he has made an admission to, Cat C images on his laptop (against advice of the duty solicitor, I think).
I'm in shock. We have 2 children under 18. He's not allowed to stay overnight anymore. I think tomorrow I'll be receiving a call (or visit?) from Children's Services. What happens after they've contacted me? Will we go straight on a CPP?
I'm reading the information the police gave me, navigating this website and forum for support, but it still feels so surreal. I've never had any concern about my OH previously, we've been together a long time, he's in a respectable job, doting dad, and we've never had any previous contact with authorities. We were just... normal for want of a better word (though I know normal doesn't exist). Everything was good.
So far today I've tried to keep it together, ask the OIC as much as I could while trying to process what was happening, talk things through with the kids as best I can using the resources I could (but knowing it's going to be a much longer conversation), find him a local B&B to stay for the next few nights as a short term solution, and tried to keep to our normal routine as much as possible (neuro-divergent household so routines are important) but now the kids are asleep and he's staying elsewhere and I feel alone, confused and desperately trying to read everything on this site.
I'm trying to work out best possible outcomes and worst possible outcomes, all the while knowing each case is different. Even the best possible outcome seems like we're all going to go through hell and, from what I understand, it's going to be a long journey. I thought maybe months but from what I'm reading here it's going to be years.
I'm not sure if I'm asking for support or just introducing myself with this post. I guess I'm wondering what things might look like later down the line for us but also what do I need to know or do now to make sure my kids are as best supported they can be during this process? I'm already trying to read through this site and the info the police gave me, but I'd be very appreciative if anyone could let me know what they're glad they did from this first day or what they wish they could do differently if they had to relive it again.
I'm new here and seem to be part of club I never knew existed. I'm still reeling from today's events and trying to work out what happens now.
Today my OH was arrested and released with bail conditions. Devices seized. From what I understand, police have since found, and he has made an admission to, Cat C images on his laptop (against advice of the duty solicitor, I think).
I'm in shock. We have 2 children under 18. He's not allowed to stay overnight anymore. I think tomorrow I'll be receiving a call (or visit?) from Children's Services. What happens after they've contacted me? Will we go straight on a CPP?
I'm reading the information the police gave me, navigating this website and forum for support, but it still feels so surreal. I've never had any concern about my OH previously, we've been together a long time, he's in a respectable job, doting dad, and we've never had any previous contact with authorities. We were just... normal for want of a better word (though I know normal doesn't exist). Everything was good.
So far today I've tried to keep it together, ask the OIC as much as I could while trying to process what was happening, talk things through with the kids as best I can using the resources I could (but knowing it's going to be a much longer conversation), find him a local B&B to stay for the next few nights as a short term solution, and tried to keep to our normal routine as much as possible (neuro-divergent household so routines are important) but now the kids are asleep and he's staying elsewhere and I feel alone, confused and desperately trying to read everything on this site.
I'm trying to work out best possible outcomes and worst possible outcomes, all the while knowing each case is different. Even the best possible outcome seems like we're all going to go through hell and, from what I understand, it's going to be a long journey. I thought maybe months but from what I'm reading here it's going to be years.
I'm not sure if I'm asking for support or just introducing myself with this post. I guess I'm wondering what things might look like later down the line for us but also what do I need to know or do now to make sure my kids are as best supported they can be during this process? I'm already trying to read through this site and the info the police gave me, but I'd be very appreciative if anyone could let me know what they're glad they did from this first day or what they wish they could do differently if they had to relive it again.
Welcome, and sorry you have joined the club :(.
Well done on finding the forum so quickly, there is plenty to read, and you can dm peole individually too if you wish.
Naturally you have many questions. Calling the helpline would help answer them. It is closed at the weekend so best call today if you can.
I think going straight to CPP is unlikely. Ususally CIN is the first step.
Once Social are involved they will liase with the children's school/s, and teachers and safeguarding are usually helpful. The children may also be offered counselling at school.
Keep posting here. We understand.
Go well....
Well done on finding the forum so quickly, there is plenty to read, and you can dm peole individually too if you wish.
Naturally you have many questions. Calling the helpline would help answer them. It is closed at the weekend so best call today if you can.
I think going straight to CPP is unlikely. Ususally CIN is the first step.
Once Social are involved they will liase with the children's school/s, and teachers and safeguarding are usually helpful. The children may also be offered counselling at school.
Keep posting here. We understand.
Go well....
Hi.. Sorry you have joined the club from hell. I have posted my story not that far back. Im 3 weeks today and it has been a real real struggling journey. But i just wanted to reach out to know your not alone.. but right now it feela the loniest place on earth. My brother was offender. As far as his kids go i can never forgive him for bringing this to their front door. He was able to see them after about 2 weeks. Has 3 supervised visits a week for 2 hours.
We had our knock back in January its a long long process we have children u18 my person is in therapy now and is getting support iour case is addiction not many belive that
we are still waiting for charges police keep extending bail hes not allowed to be unsupervised with kids or stay in home over night
Social services have us on CIN child in need plan.
They speak to children at school without u
You and partner are assessed
Ask chat gp to draw up a family safety plan ready for the social 1st visit have stuff like bathroom doors have locks, children are not left unsupervised etc he does no personal care etc
We are staying together to ive listened alot best of luck to you
we are still waiting for charges police keep extending bail hes not allowed to be unsupervised with kids or stay in home over night
Social services have us on CIN child in need plan.
They speak to children at school without u
You and partner are assessed
Ask chat gp to draw up a family safety plan ready for the social 1st visit have stuff like bathroom doors have locks, children are not left unsupervised etc he does no personal care etc
We are staying together to ive listened alot best of luck to you
Thank you all for your responses. It means so much to have support here.
I've survived another day. I still fluctuate between crying (or wanting to) and being practical about figuring out immediate next steps.
I called the helpline yesterday and they were so wonderful. I felt so reassured and can see how it was my first of possibly many, many more. My call with them was the probably the best thing about my day. I can tell that the helpline and this forum are going to be my lifelines through this.
Currently working on the longer term accommodation plan and trying to figure out finances.
Already had a chat with a children's Social Worker and they said they're happy for now that we're following police bail conditions but will want to do an assessment later down the line when more is known about the charges. They said they'll check in with the kids' schools in September. I got the impression that the SW would have preferred me to have said that we've gone limited/no contact with OH rather than we're still doing our usual routines and then he leaves at the kids' bedtime. I did say that I think it's in my kids' best interest to stick to our family routines, especially my AuDHD one, and that we are following bail conditions, which SW seemed respectful of but was also keen to state it might be easier to limit contact now rather than wait if/when charges are made. That felt like another gut punch. In fact, the past two days have been full of gut punches. You think you manage to process one thing and then bam! Here's some another ramification that you weren't aware of and don't know how to deal with.
Now working out who to tell in my family/friends circle so that they can help me with the kids.
I'm going through the motions, and so far I think I'm doing all the things I should be, but still feeling nauseous, sleepless and scared for the future. I'm trying to reassure myself that it will get easier but for now it just feels like I'm preparing to charge into a massive battle that I wasn't aware was due to take place.
I've read InTatters' shared experience: the journey to Planet Knock repeatedly and can resonate with so much. What a piece of writing! It really helped me in middle all my various thoughts and emotions about where I currently am, how we got here and what it's going to be like.
I'm still trying to read as much as possible in the various threads and in the website. I think the Inform programme might be a good next step for me.
I'm still devastated I'm now a member of this club but so relieved to find support here.
I've survived another day. I still fluctuate between crying (or wanting to) and being practical about figuring out immediate next steps.
I called the helpline yesterday and they were so wonderful. I felt so reassured and can see how it was my first of possibly many, many more. My call with them was the probably the best thing about my day. I can tell that the helpline and this forum are going to be my lifelines through this.
Currently working on the longer term accommodation plan and trying to figure out finances.
Already had a chat with a children's Social Worker and they said they're happy for now that we're following police bail conditions but will want to do an assessment later down the line when more is known about the charges. They said they'll check in with the kids' schools in September. I got the impression that the SW would have preferred me to have said that we've gone limited/no contact with OH rather than we're still doing our usual routines and then he leaves at the kids' bedtime. I did say that I think it's in my kids' best interest to stick to our family routines, especially my AuDHD one, and that we are following bail conditions, which SW seemed respectful of but was also keen to state it might be easier to limit contact now rather than wait if/when charges are made. That felt like another gut punch. In fact, the past two days have been full of gut punches. You think you manage to process one thing and then bam! Here's some another ramification that you weren't aware of and don't know how to deal with.
Now working out who to tell in my family/friends circle so that they can help me with the kids.
I'm going through the motions, and so far I think I'm doing all the things I should be, but still feeling nauseous, sleepless and scared for the future. I'm trying to reassure myself that it will get easier but for now it just feels like I'm preparing to charge into a massive battle that I wasn't aware was due to take place.
I've read InTatters' shared experience: the journey to Planet Knock repeatedly and can resonate with so much. What a piece of writing! It really helped me in middle all my various thoughts and emotions about where I currently am, how we got here and what it's going to be like.
I'm still trying to read as much as possible in the various threads and in the website. I think the Inform programme might be a good next step for me.
I'm still devastated I'm now a member of this club but so relieved to find support here.
Sounds like you're doing all the right things. It really is one day at a time and whilst the gut punches still come as the processes unfold that initial shock and devastation and all the heightened emotions that come with it do ease. Different situation for me as it's my 18yo son but his conditions meant he had to move out and live at grandparents because of age of siblings, so there are elements that are relatable. Whilst of course risk has to be managed, the system is brutal and seems a blanket approach is taken to removing from home and limiting contact. Social services are happy whilst conditions manage the risk but there could be a more balanced and proportionate response in my view that looks at the risk versus the very significant impact of splitting families up. After 8 months on bail we have managed to get him back home overnight with a safety plan but had to go to court twice to do it and several interactions with social services, who in our case have been more reasonable than the police. There's a lot of research that points to why this is happening at such scale, and that not all online offenders have a sexual interest in children, and the risk of reoffending or moving into contact offending is low. Lots of links to research in different threads, you can probably search by 'research'. The latest is at the top of the 'Why' feed at the bottom of the forum feeds.
You will go through every emotion like the grief cycle at this stage. What helped me was to try not to look to far ahead and take it one step at a time, to research and look into all elements of what was to come and see where there were things I could do to ease the process and take some control as so much is out of our control. And I reminded myself regularly that I didn't have to have all the answers immediately and whilst the uncertainty and unknowns are a nightmare it is possible to focus on the here and now and find peace (even happiness) in quiet and more normal moments. Keeping things normal for the other kids was so important to that so my son was around as normal all the time and just left at bedtime (which broke my heart).
We told as few people as we could, immediate family and 2 close friends only, as we live in hope that it doesn't become public and stigmatise him (and us all) for the rest of his life. We have generally had really positive support but some reactions are surprising but understandable I guess in the circumstances.
I also found a solicitor that had some experience of this to help us fight the conditions and then represent us when comes to court. That has helped too.
Just as we're settling back into him being home all the time the news comes that his case has been passed to CPS for charging decision, so all the calm and peace we've managed fo create for a few weeks is thrown up in the air again but at least the process is moving on, terrifying as that is. For us it's been 9 months on precharge bail so grateful in some ways not facing the delays others have had.
This forum and the helpline are a lifesaver and we're all in it together which helps combat the awful loneliness. It's a roller coaster that's for sure, so one day at a time and no rush to have all the answers, and it does get better in time honestly. Take lots of care x
You will go through every emotion like the grief cycle at this stage. What helped me was to try not to look to far ahead and take it one step at a time, to research and look into all elements of what was to come and see where there were things I could do to ease the process and take some control as so much is out of our control. And I reminded myself regularly that I didn't have to have all the answers immediately and whilst the uncertainty and unknowns are a nightmare it is possible to focus on the here and now and find peace (even happiness) in quiet and more normal moments. Keeping things normal for the other kids was so important to that so my son was around as normal all the time and just left at bedtime (which broke my heart).
We told as few people as we could, immediate family and 2 close friends only, as we live in hope that it doesn't become public and stigmatise him (and us all) for the rest of his life. We have generally had really positive support but some reactions are surprising but understandable I guess in the circumstances.
I also found a solicitor that had some experience of this to help us fight the conditions and then represent us when comes to court. That has helped too.
Just as we're settling back into him being home all the time the news comes that his case has been passed to CPS for charging decision, so all the calm and peace we've managed fo create for a few weeks is thrown up in the air again but at least the process is moving on, terrifying as that is. For us it's been 9 months on precharge bail so grateful in some ways not facing the delays others have had.
This forum and the helpline are a lifesaver and we're all in it together which helps combat the awful loneliness. It's a roller coaster that's for sure, so one day at a time and no rush to have all the answers, and it does get better in time honestly. Take lots of care x
I'm almost 3 years in (it does take a long time!). Two quick pieces of advice, which won't be easy to hear right now...
First off, start thinking of yourself as a single parent. Whatever you think about the future of your relationship, it will almost certainly be the practical reality for several years (sorry!)
Secondly, be completely honest with your children. Please don't lie to them. I'm always saying this on here. Family members lied to me about certain things in childhood, with good intentions, and those relationships have never fully recovered. And I still have issues with trust. Also, speaking from experience, kids KNOW. I very much doubt any child, even a very young child, really believes the explanations I've seen people claim to give their children on here. Please don't do it.
The good news is you & your children will turn out to be stronger than you ever imagined. Three years on I'm happy to be single and my children are thriving. We still have it hanging over us in a sense - the ex has pleaded not guilty and has a trial next year - but we three are very distant from it now. Staying is definitely the harder road I think
First off, start thinking of yourself as a single parent. Whatever you think about the future of your relationship, it will almost certainly be the practical reality for several years (sorry!)
Secondly, be completely honest with your children. Please don't lie to them. I'm always saying this on here. Family members lied to me about certain things in childhood, with good intentions, and those relationships have never fully recovered. And I still have issues with trust. Also, speaking from experience, kids KNOW. I very much doubt any child, even a very young child, really believes the explanations I've seen people claim to give their children on here. Please don't do it.
The good news is you & your children will turn out to be stronger than you ever imagined. Three years on I'm happy to be single and my children are thriving. We still have it hanging over us in a sense - the ex has pleaded not guilty and has a trial next year - but we three are very distant from it now. Staying is definitely the harder road I think
